Critical Evaluation: Bonehead Watch '08

2008-05-05
By DeAngelo Starnes

Prior to joining ebonyjet.com, I wrote a few essays called Celebrity Bonehead Watch.  Distributed them among friends via email.  If you like what follows, hit me on the email, deangelo_starnes@hotmail.com, and I’ll shoot you past versions.  Meanwhile, please enjoy unashamed south of the beltline cheap shots.

1. Robert L. Johnson: Founder of BET and Obama media-assassin of the Negro persuasion.  Bob’s one of those brothas who gets mad when he ain’t the only Black person in the room.  Got rich off having the only Black-owned television station aimed at a Black audience putting primarily Black faces on the air.  But outside of the Sunday news roundtable and jazz channel, his only-Black-station-on-cable game was done on the cheap as he polluted the airwaves with trash and infomercials.  Kinda doing the same with the Charlotte Bobcats, and we can thank the Creator he didn’t get that airline he wanted.  Now, he’s hating on Obama for breaking the color barrier of the U.S. Presidency, which is odd because Bob’s been known to whine about the same when he’s trying to bust through it.  Or maybe it’s symptomatic of self-hatred and hypocrisy.  Don’t try to wake Bob up from it.  He’ll just shame you by measuring the size of his bank account against yours.

2. Eliot Spitzer: The fallen from grace former governor of New York.  Was a hero of mine when he made prosecuting white collar crime a center-piece of his time as New York State Attorney General.  I’m sure his face adorned the dartboard of many on Wall Street.  Signed the death warrant of his governorship back in February when the Washington Post ran an editorial he authored on the Bush Administration’s protection of predatory mortgage lenders.  A month later, he found himself having to ‘splain the connection between the drainage of his bank account and some high-priced hookers during various business trips.  Can’t be the top cop and then governor if you have a problem controlling Mr. Happy.  Those high-powered cats whose pockets you tapped pay large duckets for that kinda info.  And they have friends in the media, too.  For a cat who scored 1590 of 1600 on the SAT along with a perfect score on the LSAT, that sure was some bonehead thinking. 

3. Kwame Kilpatrick: Young Black mayor of Detroit.  Probably defecated on himself when he saw Spitzer resign.  But his problems were public before my boy Spitzer went down in flames.  Texting his side-fling with booty calls and professions of love on a government phone.  “Bone” and “head” dominated this brotha’s thinking to the exclusion of his mayoral duties.  

4. Chris Henry: If you follow the NFL, you know the Cincinnati Bengals are full of young brothas running more afoul of the law than across the goal line.  Mr. Henry lost half a season’s pay because he found himself starring in too many episodes of the local version of Cops.   Is it too much to ask someone who’s earning a million dollars annually to stay off the police blotter?  Innocent until proven guilty, sure, but unless you have strong conspiracy theory evidence, it’s beyond time to grow up and clean up your act.  He’ll have a lot of time to think about it now that the Bengals cut him.

5. Carmelo Anthony: This one’s a little personal because I’m a big fan of the Denver Nuggets.  Melo got himself arrested for a DUI at 4a after the last game of the season.   In case you didn’t know, the bars in Denver close at 2a with them kicking folks out at 1:30a.  Now, if you been out drinking after-hours and you’s a high-profile athlete, there’re cabs and/or hotels that help you avoid driving on the highway.  And the spot where he was arrested suggests he wasn’t coming from downtown.  The fallout at the crib with his wife, the beautiful Lala Vasquez, might explain his pitiful playoff performance.

6. Tavis Smiley: Unofficial and self-designated leader of Black America.  Got his feelings a little hurt when Obama decided that solidifying his lead for the Democrat presidential nomination was more important that participating in the Who-Can-Talk-Mo’-S**t show a.k.a. the State of Black America forum.  Tavis’ feelings got a lot mo’ hurt when his radio audience didn’t see what the big fuss was about.  So he took his ball and ran off the Tom Joyner Show citing he was too busy to continue doing the program.  Problem is he already let the cat out the bag that he didn’t like the slings and arrows shot his way.  Good thing Barack’s skin is a lot thicker than that.

7. Roger Clemens: Unquestionably a great pitcher – one of the greatest of all time.  Not as good at truth-telling.  His grandstanding took the heat off my man Barry Bonds.  But you can’t grandstand when there’s folks out there that can contradict the picture you be painting.  And if you file a defamation lawsuit, you better be sure there ain’t no skeletons in the closet.  Or at least make sure all the skeletons are paid to stay in the closet.  If one of the unpaid skeletons is a woman with whom you had an affair that began when she was fifteen, you might want to call your lawyer and ask him what’s the statute of limitations on statutory rape.  If you don’t like the answer, do a Roman Polanski and take up residence overseas.

 I guess you could make a case against either Obama or Jeremiah Wright for the way they’ve handled Wright’s media tour.  To me, that whole controversy was manufactured and more of a media manipulation than anything either of them did or didn’t do, and/or the timing of all of the above.  Personally, I think we’re all boneheads for falling prey to the hype.  But that’s just me.

DeAngelo Starnes is a writer and attorney who resides in Denver with his wife and son.