Ask Neycha: Settling
2008-10-02
Dear Neycha:
I recently met someone online. For the first several days we talked on the phone for hours and hours. I surprised myself that I was getting so geaked so fast. But we connect on so many levels. It’s been a long time since I've linked with someone who I truly believe “gets it.” Problem started a few days ago. We’d only exchanged headshots of each other; so neither of us had any real idea of how the other’s body looked. Of course our conversations have been so open that we discussed our fears about meeting and not being physically or sexually attracted to one another and decided we’d be friends either way. This made me less apprehensive especially since I have my own feelings about NOT being the exact body type adored by the average man. We finally linked up and I have to admit I was caught off guard by how big he was. It’s not that he’s simply obese, but it’s how flimsy his weight is and how he carries it. I haven’t known exactly what to do because we connected in such an intense way that I’m torn about abruptly ending things just because there was no popping physical attraction - although we did fool around. Granted, there are a few other things that concern me about moving forward, but they’ve been hard to sort out beyond my feelings about his weight. I worry that I’m being too shallow, especially since I hope that someone would be accepting of my body type. Any advice?
~Settling for Too Much, NC
Dear Settling for Too Much:
I don’t think the important question is whether you’re being too shallow, but rather a set of other critical questions: What do you want? What kind of relationship are you seeking – casual, committed, life partner? Does he meet the criteria of each, according to whichever you desire? What type of experience do you hope to create for yourself with another human being? Can you do it with him?
Although it’s quite easy to get sidetracked by physical appearances, it is personal compatibility that goes the distance in solidifying a long lasting relationship. Often enough, people end up in relationships with others that don’t necessarily fit their concepts of physical beauty. Some marry shorter, or skinnier than they ever thought they would. The sista who was looking for “Fine,” ends up helplessly in love with “He’s Nice.” The brotha like silly-putty for big bootys winds up with sista flatback who rocks his mind. And it’s okay.
The thing is STM, we don’t own our gravitational pulls. Instead we are helplessly like rag dolls drawn to and fro by them. And if badass enough – we quietly pursue what gravitationally arrests us in order to scope the various rooms in our psyche visited too seldom. Who are YOU with an overweight partner? Who are YOU if you pass on the many levels with which you connect to this fellow? Who are YOU STM if you tune in to the “few other things that concern you” and decide to stay OR go?
If getting past those “few other things” and his weight is something you CAN do WITHOUT compromising who you choose to be and the experience of life you choose to have, then do it. But if doing so asks you to compromise too much of what is true for and about you (like it or not), then keep it moving! It’s not about shallow. It’s about attempting to understand who you’re being in every moment and how your choices reflect such.
Finally STM, giving in to the exquisite lure of life’s knockout moments - that are exceptional to begin with - is NOT “settling” for too much. On the contrary my dear; it is upgrading to make room to accommodate the grandness of life and the experiences we are drawn to. The extraordinary moments, the addictive people and much of the noise that exist in between them RARELY looks like anything we expect. And that my dear is what makes the ride awfully exciting! Are you game?
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About Neycha
Retired Gossip Queen
Cheated On
Ashamed of my Past
Getting Funked
Ready To Spill It
Haunted By The Ex
Following Love
Still Hustlin'
Used Up
Don't Want To Talk About It
Scared Wife
Not Into Tiny
Too Through
Rejected
Blindsided
Cubicle ina Minefield
Tired of Paying
Make Lunch Plans, Not War
School Girl Crush
Confused About The Next Move
Blue-collar by Choice
Torn With Guilt
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Any information or advice given not intended to provide an alternative to or replacement for professional advice or the services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist.